Personal Column: Madelyn Cooper

 

Struggling through an Eating Disorder through my teen years.         

        Eating Disorders are brutal and creep up on you silently; on the outside, you appear to be just fine. Smiling, happy, at least thats how it was for me. My experience with an Eating Disorder was not the typical one.      

    To this day, I can still remember most of it, it all started back in freshman year of High School.  I weighed  around 140 pounds and wanting to shave off a few pounds. At first, it started with fun workouts with friends and small diets just to "lose a few pounds". As time went on, these became more of an obsession...    

    I would start working out for 5 hours everyday and eating only eat 2 meals daily, but I loved how I  looked. I wanted to try to shave more and more pounds. My boyfriend at the time would tell me things like, "Wow, you've never looked better" or "I like you better that way you look so much healthier," or my favorite "Keep up the great work, you just need to lose a few more". But thats okay I know my worth much more now. As the next few years went on, things would only continue to get worse, not only with my weight, but also with my mental well-being.   

    By the end of my freshman year I was already down to 120 pounds which I was still above average weight for my weight. My parents would start to become worried about me and so would my close friends. At this point I was leaving school early most days due to not feeling well from not eating enough, which would of course make my blood sugar drop almost making me pass out several times. And of course, this would put me even further behind in most of my classes but as always I managed to pull through in the end. 

    My Mom and Dad at first would brush this off, but at the end they saw where I really needed help. But it seemed as though know matter how much help I got things would only continue to get worse... I was crying out for help on the inside but no one could hear me.

    By the end of my junior year of High School I was already down to 102 pounds. People often ask me why I think my ED started in the first place, its weird to say but I really can't blame anyone but myself. You see, females get all these images in their head of beautiful "instagram models" and the thoughts of needing to have the perfect "bikini body". It is so sad how this happens at such a young age. I would ask myself continuously and almost obsessively, "why can't I look like them."? 

    Over the past few years I have learned that there is no such thing as a "perfect bikini body". Every single woman is beautiful in there own way, and I have certainly learned to embrace this.    

    During the first few months of my freshman year of college, things were starting to get better slowly but surely I started eating more, working out less, and had a great friend group. But of course this means, I would start gaining my weight back. This would inhibit even worse eating habits for me alongside the pressure of school.  

    Towards the end of freshman year I was the thinnest I have ever been at one point I was down to 95 pounds. But in my unhealthy mind this wasn't a huge deal, with all the stressors of freshman year in general such as trying to make good grades and finding my friend group this is the last thing I needed.  

    Personally, most people may find this surprising but the hardest thing for me during all of this was growing out of my old clothes and having to look for new ones. Looking at myself in the mirror I barely even recognized who I once was, it was like my once bubbly, outgoing, and smiley self had been stripped away. But you see, know one else realized this because I loved to put on a facade in front of other people pretending I was okay but deep down I really wasn't. 

    Looking back as a now senior in college, I should have never put myself through something like that. My freshman year was supposed to be the "highlight" of my college years. But because of having an ED it was anything but that, I was supposed to be able to enjoy the great food options HPU offers and the weekly food trucks but instead I was keeping myself isolated most days in my dorm room. 

    As I am now ending my senior year of college, I can happily say I am doing much better than I was once was but that doesnt mean I never have bad days. However, I no longer count the calories or carbs in my food I don't work out for several hours every day, and I am finally back a weight that I am very happy with. Going through an eating disorder is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I will say I came out much stronger in the end than who I used to be.  My only hope is that in the next several years I can spread more awareness for those struggling with an eating disorder. 

    With my intended audience for this article, I am hoping to reach both young  females and men who are ever struggling feeling uncomfortable with their weight. I am here to say you are never alone. Eating Disorders can affect anyone and everyone at any age, do not be afraid to ask for help, I know myself it is a very brave thing to do and it can be very scary.